Dear General Motors big boys,
I’m going to write this slowly so there’s a better chance you’ll understand it. OK?
You’ve had an interest in Saab since late 1989 (yes, really!) and full control of Saab since 2000. In that time you’ve benefitted a great deal (made your cars better) from Saab’s expertise in safety, flex-fuel technology, turbocharging and quite possibly design as well. If you’re not sure what those things are, just ask one of your engineers.
And since you’ve had full control of Saab you’ve brought just one new model to market (although well done to you for allowing a new 9-5 and 9-4x to be developed on the brink of what could have been Saab’s extinction).
You’ve let journalists (people who write things about cars) constantly talk about Saab with the words “Swedish loss-making unit” in front of their name. I’m surprised that doesn’t appear on the Saab badge now. Don’t tell me you didn’t think about it, you scallywag!
You’ve allowed a once-proud brand to settle into an under-funded GM malaise of mediocrity in terms of product and brand management and you’ve managed to alienate thousands of very loyal fans. Sorry, there were a lot of big words in that sentence.
You’ve managed to set an entire city on edge. It’s called Trollhattan and it’s a beautiful city full of wonderful, very intelligent people. Have you been there?
Never mind all that. Now’s your chance to leave a legacy at Saab. Now’s your chance to do one thing right.
This is the important bit……
Mr GM Executive: Sitting somewhere on your desk are three files. One is from Renco. Another is from Koenigsegg and the third is from China. You might have already placed the Chinese folder in the rubbish bin. Good for you! You’re half way there already.
Now you just need to select one more to join it and we’ll have an outcome. The purpose of this letter is to make sure it’s the right outcome.
The folder from Renco – that’s a baaaaaaaaaad folder. It might contain a lot of large numbers in it and that might make your eyes light up. But the guy who wrote it isn’t always a nice fellow, despite his nice dinner jacket and the five jacuzzis you partied in last weekend.
That guy’s made a habit out of dirtying things up and making people sick in their workplace, even in their homes. If you give Saab to him then it’s quite likely that Saab will have a very difficult time upholding their environmental credentials. I don’t think it’s a stretch to suggest that many of the current PR people at Saab would find their work incredibly stressful, with Saab’s sales suffering as a result.
If Saab’s sales suffer, that means they buy less widgets and whatsits from you. And that’s baaaaaaaaaaad.
The other folder is from a guy with a funny last name – Koenigsegg. Like Saab, they’re from Sweden. They have some neighbors helping out with funding but the latest rumours from a newspaper in Sweden (newspaper – what your assistant reads you the funnies from in the morning) is that they’ve got lots of money lined up.
Koenigsegg build really cool cars that go really fast. Kinda like the Corvette. Only more exotic. The fact that they’re Swedish is seen by a lot of people as a really positive thing. The fact that they make super-doopercars is also seen as a really positive thing.
It’s quite a contrast, really (contrast – one thing being very different from the other. Think of your bank balance and then think of Toyota’s).
If you sell Saab to Renco, Saab’s PR people have to try and sell Saab as a company belonging to a major world polluter. I’m sure they’ll do a good job of it and I’m sure many of us can get used to it. But it’s baaaaaaaaaaad.
On the other hand, if you sell to Koenigsegg, you’ll be a real life American hero!!!!
And that’s goooooooood. Like ice cream. Mmmmmmmm.
Now. Back to your desk. You’ve got work to do. Make sure you do this one thing right and sell Saab to the right people.
from Steven.
ps – if you don’t feel like you have the right people lined up to buy Saab, then ask Saab’s own people who the right people are. Here’s a tip – Saab’s management have to work with these new owners and they’re very competent (good) at what they do. They will recognise other competent people too!
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{ 38 comments }
Hehe…
The really sad thing is that GMs gross incompetence was not limited to what they did/did not do to Saab. Here’s a so-called leading consumer product company that could barely turn around their core nameplates Chevy, Corvette and Cadillac. So what chance did Pontiac and Saab have etc?
The warning signs of this demise were obvious for 40 yrs plus. AMAZING times we live in to finally see the results of 50 yrs of mismanagement.
Brilliant
Ouch!
“…you’re writing this slowly”…heh, heh, heh!
I understood every word of that. Lets hope they do too.
Using your own words
You sarcastic bad$74?D. Very very funny LMAO
Clear as crystal..
Will you send this ?
I hope not. These kind of humiliations don’t help at all. The former saab staff is as responsible for the bad situation as the former GM responsibles.
Genius
Too much E85 ?
Good one!!!!!!
I couldn’t stand SAABARU but I do not have a problem with SAABNISEGG
In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, “Could you dumb it down a bit?”
Swade.. you are our the best
Go Koenigsegg!
I guess I’m in the minority when I say the snarkiness is a little thick here, and while satirical, can’t possibly help. If a GM exec actually read it, s/he’d probably respond with a big “F.U.” I guess we all know how car companies should be run around here. We’d all have Saab in the black if we were at the helm.
As an American, I root for G.M. and I really want them to pull out of this. I do mostly blame them for their own problems. My favorite quote that sums it all up for me was from (American comedian) Jon Stewart, (paraphrased) “When the Japanese were trying to figure out how to make a hybrid car, American companies were trying to fit LCD screens into the back of headrests.”
I want to keep buying Saabs but I still want GM to succeed and kick Toyota’s ass in the future.
Chris
I have been reading SU and its predecessor TS for at leat three years and I can honestly say that is by far the best thing I have ever read.
Arise, Sir Swade of Trollhattan. Im writing to King Carl Gustav to recommend you for a knighthood!
Absolutely brilliant stuff and to think, Swade, you were ready to throw in the towel a few months back.
I can say on behalf of everyone here we are SOOOO glad you didnt.
Have a fantastic weekend!!!
I really thought you were going to use the old ‘I’m writing this slowly as I know you can’t read very fast’ line. Missed out there
Excellent SWade! Please don’t send it though
The “news” of Koenigsegg being a contender has just hit the “mainstream” (read: slow) interwebs. And just look at all the posotive responses in comments at Autoblog, Left Lane News and Motor Trend.
Go Koenigsegg!
Bellissimo!
Bellissimo!
Could this be the start of the next Roger and Me?
While this was fabulous sarcasm, I have to look at it from GM’s POV
1. In their current position, what they will be most interested in who can deliver the biggest check for Saab. What that company intends to do with it is at the bottom of GM’s priorities. For example, suppose you’re selling your car and get two offers:
$10,000 from a widow who wants to bus orphans with it
$20,000 from a serial killer who wants to run over orphans with it
Many, many people will still sell to the higher bidder. It’s just human nature.
2. GM may want New Saab to fail. A suddenly invigorated Saab would just mean more competition for Cadillac & Buick, which is the last thing GM needs. Furthermore it would just highlight how incompetent there management really is.
Nothing would make GM happier than for them to get a big payout for Saab, then watching it go down the drain. From this perspective, depending on the number of zeros on RENCO’s cheque, their pariah status may make them MORE attractive to GM…
Excellent letter & actually simple to understand.
Love it!
Swade,you rock!:)
You really hit the nail with this one!!!
(Although you may want to consider writing even slower and avoid difficult words i.e words longer than four letters, if you really want the GM board of dir’s to understand!
More positive comments from around the interwebs at Jalopnik. I can’t remember the last time I saw so many positive things said about Saab (well, actuall I can – never).
Go Koenigsegg!
It’s midnight and I’m still at work but since I read this I just can’t get that smile out of my face… Swade, thanks for giving us that great blog!
Just a note to those above who read this as a bit of a slap in the face for GM that goes too far. Its a humour piece, don’t take it too seriously. Sure, you can, but life’s too short.Besides:
1)Consider all the years that Swade has been keeping everything balanced and reasonable here, despite some fairly outrageous and testing circumstances from time to time. The occasional cheap shot is more than justified.
2)The execs that this is aimed at are presiding over the biggest corporate debacle of the year. Perhaps the decade. This is not quite Enron but its in the same league. Bankrupting one of the great icons of American industry and taking down a major % of the worlds auto industry with them is no small feat. They deserve a few cheap shots.
Apologies if I’m out of line here Swade.
No worries Pete. As you’ve noted, the message was sincere, the delivery was just for laughs.
Haha brilliant writing Swade!! This might seem over the top, but I don’t think so. Those GM execs seem to be just smart enough to understand this level of communication. But whatever happens, no matter how much money GM gets, if those execs stay, the company will go bankrupt again soon. This we can smile about =)
I think the GM execs are a bit busy to pay attention to Swade’s letter, at the moment.
GM’s biggest concern is protecting their China sales. With the China bidder out, and with either new buyer committed to buying stuff from GM for the new Saab models, I really don’t see GM spending any mental energy trying to figure this one out.
This is a 2 minute discussion at the bottom of an agenda, at best. More likely, someone is going to hand Fritz Henderson a half page memo on the way to the bathroom, and he’ll make a decision in the hallway on the way back to his office.
It could go two different ways. Either (1) JAJ prefers these guys, OK, fine let’s sell to them. Or (2) One bid is $6.59 higher than the other – let’s pick that one.
As much as I love Swade’s stuff, no one in Detroit is going to read this.
Hey Swade!
Great letter! Did JAJ mentioned that they are picking
” golden one ” in few days?
I guess thay are doing it before GM ” kicks the bucket”
on Monday.
Just when I think, “How will Swade top this post?” here you come, Blowing Me Away With The Next!
SWADE, YOU ARE THE MAN!
good thing American satire evolved from the Brits – someone at GM is reading this. and something in my gut tells me that GM does NOT want to add the death of Saab to the GM legacy. A successful Saab is NOT a threat to anything in GM’s future, but a technology partner that new GM will need.
whatever – on to catching up now that Stronach’s Magna has beat Sergio’s Fiat for a share of Opel…the Battle for Trollhattan yet to be decided.
the World Cup of autos.
Good fun reading this.
But does someone asks the people at saab whom they would prefer working with ?
I guess Greeg Abbott is right about the way decisions are being made at GM.
I guess pariahs stick together – they can easily identify each other. tarred with the same brush!
Great Open Letter but probably still reads a little fast for the GM execs and still too many big words in there
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