Things I’d like to hear from a car manufacturer (Saab) just once

Our new Saab 9-2 has been made with the driver in mind.
That’s not just a generalised, boring statement from our marketing department. We really mean it. As a consequence, we’ve ignored some of the things that get in the way of real driving. We realise that some people might be annoyed by this and we advise that those people look at something else. The Saab 9-2 is most likely not for you.
The Saab 9-2, as is customary for all Saab cars, received the maximum rating available for occupant safety. It features a bunch of safety aids characterised by TLA’s (three letter acronyms) that you can look up in our full printed brochure. The good news for drivers is that we’ll also given the car a large TLA-OFF switch in the middle of the dashboard, which will turn off all of driving aids characterised by a three-letter acronym.
Whilst the car is very safe for occupants, it is less safe for pedestrians. This means that we’ve been able to do away with constrictive design rules for pedestrian safety and design the car to look how we really wanted it to look. We trust the drivers of the Saab 9-2 to be responsible, attentive and intelligent adults and as such, pedestrians are advised to minimise their chances of injury by staying off the roads, or crossing with the lights.
Whilst we have always advocated function over form, that doesn’t mean that form isn’t important. As a result you’ll see a beautiful sweeping form that allows the car to function as it was intended, as a beautiful driver’s car.
We’ve been able to allocate more money for better interior materials by doing away with unnecessary and expensive interior gadgets.
Your eyes can sense rain on the windscreen and your fingers can quickly extend from the beautiful sports steering wheel to flick the solid, new and very high-quality stalk used to operate the wipers. Because you shouldn’t drink and drive actively, there are no cupholders. Because you most likely have a smartphone with navigation, there’s no big fat screen to distract you and because you probably digitise your music, there’s just a radio with a USB port. It’s right next to the quite simple climate control interface that gives one temperature for the whole cabin. Do you really need it to be 2 degrees warmer just 12 inches to the left in a small car?
The car will seat four humans as long as two of them are quite small. The driver and first passenger will sit in ridiculously comfortable sports seats that are manually adjustable in such a way that any preferred seating position is possible. Expensive, electronic memory seats with their heavy motors have been jettisoned. If your partner has a problem with that, tell them to get a Saab 9-2 of their own. Those in the back will make do with the seating they’re given.
There are no DVD screens available for this car and if you ask for them, you will be shot in the shoulder. If you’ve got kids, take them in your other car.
The driver of the new Saab 9-2 will view the road through a clear, forward looking windscreen and side windows that allow for superb visibility. Because this car is so sexy, though, rearward visibility may be a problem for some. The car does have side mirrors, so you can reverse-park it as long as you are a competent driver. If you’re looking for Dances With Wolves type panoramas out the back, we can refer you elsewhere or alternatively, advise that you learn to enjoy driving forwards. It really is your call.
Whilst the rear windows may be small, that doesn’t mean that the rear cargo area is. In fact, if you fold down the ridiculously small rear seats in the new Saab 9-2 you’ll get around 60% of the generous cargo space offered in the bigger Saab 9-3 SportCombi, which should be more than enough space to fit in a backpack, scooter or even a couple of beanbags. This is accessed through the generous rear hatch opening that Volvo never gave C30 owners.
The new Saab 9-2 is driven by a twin-turbo 1.8 litre petrol engine that involves so much whizz-bang technology that your lightweight writer can’t even begin to spell it all out for you. Snigger if you must, but chances are you don’t really understand half of it either. You just want a freaking great drive. Needless to say, however, that the 230hp engine, combined with a nimble lightweight chassis and six-speed gearbox – there is no automatic gearbox option – will give you thousands upon thousands of miles in driving pleasure.
230hp isn’t enough, you say? Bollocks. Being able to drive near the limit in a properly set up, lightweight 230hp car is much more engaging that driving at 50% of the limit of a Porsche 911 all the time. But if you must, there’s a limited range of upgrades available for the Saab 9-2 through our new SaabSport division (thanks PT and Renault).
Everything about the chassis and powertrain has been designed and engineered with driving in mind. Our clever little trolls have used circus acrobats and Italian opera as their inspirations and as such, the agility and sense of theatre you’ll encounter in the new Saab 9-2 is unparalleled in a car this price. The steering precision makes other cars in this class feel like you’re driving an Etch-a-Sketch. The exhaust, whether you’re just cruising or in combination with the upper reaches of the tachometer, has been approved by both Pink Floyd and the ghost of Enzo Ferrari. And handling, well, this is the first car to ever receive endorsement offers from Tarzan’s Grip.
You’ll want to move as far away from your place of employment as possible just so you can enjoy your daily drive even more. You’ll gladly volunteer to go shopping… Namibia. And the trip to pick up your mother-in-law will be a pleasure because she’ll be sitting in the back (we recommend Saab aircraft sickbags, which are approved Saab 9-2 accessories, be placed in the seat pockets).
We are the new Saab and you’re going to enjoy our new Saab 9-2 so much that you’ll cry like an abandoned puppy when you’re away from it.
It will control you.

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